Relationships are not always what we hoped for and we are often left desillusioned. This piece was written at the end of 2011, hope you enjoy reading it as I put a lot of thought into it.
From the virtual world to the “Real World”, a link was made. The attraction was not obvious. Our first BBM chat might have been random, but out of our daily conversations, grew a connection. We wanted more. Phone numbers were finally exchanged. We had previously sent each other little voice notes but nothing beats hearing the sound of your voice. From the first syllable, my heart was beating faster.
Long lyrical exchanges, your intelligence and impeccable logic are definitely challenging. Our discussions accentuated my curiosity; deepen the root of my new state of infatuation. These debates paved the way to a more global stimulation. Rapidly, we agreed to meet half way. Since so many miles separate us. Things rarely happen the way we originally intend them too. We spent so little time together yet enough to confirm, this would be more than a fling.
So one summer night, we shared this incredible moment of intimacy. We had previously cultivated our mental intimacy therefore, that one night was filled with intensity. Our time was up as the sun rise, you had to rush out to the airport. Since then, my life has not been the same. I can’t seem to spend a day without at least chatting with you. I get to hear your voice if I’m lucky.
Mistakes were made, lines we crossed but here we are holding on to that connection, from a distance. Every day we tell each other how we miss the other. Every day we discuss our inner desires and envies. On the same token, I can’t help wonder if this so called is simply an illusion.
We can’t seem set a date. Set that date, where once again we will finally be physically reunited. My intuition senses something is not quite right. In my vision of things, if a man truly wants to be a woman, he would make the effort. I look ahead and I see disillusion smiling at me from a distance.
I’m a hopeless romantic a little naive, quite vulnerable at times. I can be lucid as well which is destabilizing for some. My mind can’t make out your true intentions. It feels like you are playing a dangerous game with my heart. Why is disillusion getting so close to me?
My heart refuses to acknowledge the possibility that it might be manipulated by you. My mind is desperately trying to expose your machinations. My heart is not ready to come to term the reality. You will not be coming back to me. This relationship was pure fabulation on my part.
Disillusion is reaching destination. I’m seeing it all way too clearly now: I’m the inspiration for your jokes around the table with your homies while playing dominoes. This undefined state is only a way to manipulate me and keep me captive. Your ways of telling me wake up lady. I’m an illusion!
©Marie-Christine Jeanty 2011-12-29
