My love life throughout my adult life so far has been sometimes nonexistent and others complicated… I ended the year thinking it was nonexistent. Only for the New Year to show me it was actually a pretty complicated story.
First I met a new man, we went on a few dates but he quickly made it clear that he was not looking for a gf or any type of connection and did not want to create any habits between us. Objectively, his had too much baggage to be a suitable prospect but on the lust side of things hmm
It was fun while it lasted, it was a nice distraction from my reality. My reality which was first of all that I was once in an OFF period of my one and off again unhealthy relationship with P. He is like that addictive taste that you know is wrong for you but that you keep indulging in. I love him, I definitely do… I just wish we could stay in that feel good bubble and not be busted out again by his insecurities.
Just as the interlude was over P resurfaced and declared his love for me. He said things I had waited so long for him to say and frankly was about to lose hope that he would ever say. In my mind, I knew better but I let my heart make the final decision… I had Jet Lag just like Joss Stone sings in her song. February came and we finally spent the most romantic and magical 2 hrs of our nearly 2 yrs old relationship (if you add it all up) It was pure BLISS but his insecurities had to bust my bubble again, just as I was planning our next week-end getaway SIGH!
Now I don’t even know where we stand… if i can take it anymore but remember I said my love life was complicated at times!
The forbidden fruit… so I had developed this perhaps complex relationship with this breath-taking, captivating man. For months after we had first met, we would be calling, texting each other non-stop. The sexual tension between us was building and we became a source of distraction for each other in our respective relationship. Even though, we did go out on a date, we never touched each other nor shared a kiss till this day. This we had imagined each other doing to one another and together but we did not want to take the INFIDELITY road…. we became each other’s most personal confident and catered to the platonic aspect of our complex friendship. Recently, I found out, he was tempted AGAIN by another woman, and had actually developed feelings for that other woman, and I’m not sure I’m ready to face how i truly feel about that.
I should have taken a LEAP…. A has been around for years. I never even took the time to get to know him and instead knew OF him. Up until one random winter day a year ago. That day, I was in one of the first of many OFF periods with P. I had just came back from Haiti where I had gone on this date with S… A and I were attending a private event at my cousin’s house. That day we spent hours talking. He made me smile, laugh the night away.
I was intrigued. From that moment on, I started observing him from afar and getting to know HIM through regular chats about the most random things at the most random times. We had epic convos about sports, relationships, really anything and everything.Of course, we’ve flirted abundantly but FLIRTING was all their was. Everytime we would get carried away, I would be taking a step back, I was both intrigued by him and scared of letting him get too close. He even gave me advice about P… although he felt that he did not deserve me, he respected the fact that I loved him.
Time passed. Without even acknowledging it, I’ve developed a crush and eventually an infatuation. The more P was becoming insecure and acting like a jerk, the more I was fascinated with A but always held back by my own fears and insecurities. I mean A is a good-looking, tall, intelligent, classy, funny, respectful man and so much more… He makes me proud as his career is reaching new levels, blows me away with his talent in his field. So many times, I wanted to ask him out on a date or something but as I was about to finally face my fear of rejection I found out today, he is now unavailable taken by a woman I adore…
So please don’t be like me face your fears TAKE a LEAP!
ps. of course even if I had asked before it doesn’t mean he would have said yes but at least, I would had tried!