Take a leap…

My love life throughout my adult life so far has been sometimes nonexistent and others complicated… I ended the year thinking it was nonexistent. Only for the New Year to show me it was actually a pretty complicated story.

First I met a new man, we went on a few dates but he quickly made it clear that he was not looking for a gf or any type of connection and did not want to create any habits between us. Objectively, his had too much baggage to be a suitable prospect but on the lust side of things hmm

It was fun while it lasted, it was a nice distraction from my reality. My reality which was first of all that I was once in an OFF period of my one and off again unhealthy relationship with P. He is like that addictive taste that you know is wrong for you but that you keep indulging in. I love him, I definitely do… I just wish we could stay in that feel good bubble and not be busted out again by his insecurities.

Just as the interlude was over P resurfaced and declared his love for me. He said things I had waited so long for him to say and frankly was about to lose hope that he would ever say. In my mind, I knew better but I let my heart make the final decision… I had Jet Lag just like Joss Stone sings in her song.  February came and we finally spent the most romantic and magical 2 hrs of our nearly 2 yrs old relationship (if you add it all up) It was pure BLISS but his insecurities had to bust my bubble again, just as I was planning our next week-end getaway SIGH!

Now I don’t even know where we stand… if i can take it anymore but remember  I said my love life was complicated at times!

The forbidden fruit… so I had developed this perhaps complex relationship with this breath-taking, captivating man. For months after we had first met, we would be calling, texting each other non-stop. The sexual tension between us was building and we became a source of distraction for each other in our respective relationship. Even though, we did go out on a date, we never touched each other nor shared a kiss till this day. This we had imagined each other doing to one another and together but we did not want to take the INFIDELITY road…. we became each other’s most personal confident and catered to the platonic aspect of our complex friendship. Recently, I found out, he was tempted AGAIN by another woman, and had actually developed feelings for that other woman, and I’m not sure I’m ready to face how i truly feel about that.

I should have taken a LEAP…. A has been around for years. I never even took the time to get to know him and instead knew OF him. Up until one random winter day a year ago. That day, I was in one of the first of many OFF periods with P.  I had just came back from Haiti where I had gone on this date with S… A and I were attending a private event at my cousin’s house.  That day we spent hours talking. He made me smile, laugh the night away.

I was intrigued. From that moment on, I started observing him from afar and getting to know HIM through regular chats about the most random things at the most random times. We had epic convos about sports, relationships, really anything and everything.Of course, we’ve flirted abundantly but FLIRTING was all their was. Everytime we would get carried away, I would be taking a step back, I was both intrigued by him and scared of letting him get too close. He even gave me advice about P… although he felt that he did not deserve me, he respected the fact that I loved him.

Time passed. Without even acknowledging it, I’ve developed a crush and eventually an infatuation. The more P was becoming insecure and acting like a jerk, the more I was fascinated with A but always held back by my own fears and insecurities. I mean A is a good-looking, tall, intelligent, classy, funny, respectful man and so much more… He makes me proud as his career is reaching new levels, blows me away with his talent in his field. So many times, I wanted to ask him out on a date or something but as I was about to finally face my fear of rejection I found out today, he is now unavailable taken by a woman I adore…

So please don’t be like me face your fears TAKE a LEAP!

 

ps. of course even if I had asked before it doesn’t mean he would have said yes but at least, I would had tried!

 

 

Alors que 2012 s’apprête à tirer sa révérence…

C’est l’heure des bilans n’est-ce pas?

L’année 2012, a été pénible par moments, et merveilleuse à d’autres… En résumé, j’ai été gâtée par la vie!

Vous avez tous entendu parlé de la fameuse ***** étudiante… À mon retour d’Haïti(fabuleux voyage en famille), fin février, vraiment c’était le top déprime, et cela a tout de même durer pendant tout le mois de mars. À un certain moment, j’ai dit à mon père renvoie-moi en Haïti et rappelle-moi quand cette ***** sera finalement chose du passé!

Fort heureusement, mon sage et fabuleux papa n’a pas bronché. Le mois d’avril a été marqué par une constante durant cette année 2012, des beaux moments en famille, tant avec les Alcindor et Cie qu’avec les Jeanty et Cie.  Nous avions à ce moment là reçue la visite de Bordeaux. À la fin de ce même mois d’avril, vint une opportunité unique en son genre qui m’a aidé à prendre de la maturité au niveau professionnel et intellectuel.

Ce contrat qui m’a permis de faire des rencontres merveilleuses et des apprentissages en accéléré sur le genre humain et sur la machine bureaucratique québécoise prend fin en mars 2013 mais il est le premier jalon important de ma vie professionnelle.

Le lancement du projet spécial du Centre d’Histoire de Montréal (commandité par le MICC et la Ville de Montréal) «Raconte-Moi… Haïti-Montréal» aura lieu en février et j’ai bien hâte que vous en fassiez la découverte, la coordonnatrice, le cinéaste, les artistes et moi-même avons travaillé très fort.

L’été entre les journées de tournages, j’ai tout de même pu assisté à de nombreux concerts et faire de nouvelles découvertes culturelles tout en recevant de la belle visite des États-Unis et d’Haïti. Je me suis même rendue pour la première fois en Républicaine pour un autre superbe mariage… L’année 2012 (et 2013 semble vouloir suivre la même tendance) a été marqué et ce jusqu’au bout (nous attendons toujours l’arrivée de notre cher Matteo en écrivant ces lignes) par des évènements heureux de tous genres:  mariage, naissance… bien sûr il y a eu des morts qui sont maintenant dans la longue lignée de nos anges gardiens.

Il a bien fallu retourner à l’école, parce que et oui… la fameuse ***** a pris fin et le retour a été épuisant non seulement physiquement mais particulièrement mentalement. Les 2 sessions en accélérées vraiment, je suis heureuse qu’elles soient derrière-moi. La première a été étonnamment marquée par d’excellentes notes, la deuxième c’est plutôt mitigée mais attendons les résultats finaux avant de se prononcer sur celle-ci.J’ai vraiment été atteinte d’une chute de motivation majeure en novembre et je remercie ma famille. mes amies et mes camarades d’ARC pour les encouragements. Des sessions qui ont été sous le signe de la solidarité étudiante et de la persévérance, de la résilience.

La fin de l’année, d’autres beaux moments en familles, en novembre avec d’autres visites et en décembre avec la période des Fêtes de fin d’Année. Oui, j’aurai aimé pouvoir aller en Haïti mais ces moments passés en familles n’ont pas de prix et Haïti, on se revoit en 2013, c’est sûr!! Mon fils aura 10 ans en 2013, et vraiment il reste le plus beau cadeau du ciel!

Je dois vous souligner au passage que la scène culturelle locale est en feu.. prenez le temps de la découvrir

La vie amoureuse… on repassera… j’imagine qu’après la catastrophe en 2012, elle reviendra en force en 2013… à suivre!

2012 c’est un retour vers l’essentiel et 2013 le sera aussi et devinez quoi? j’aurai 30 ans et j’ai bien hâte!!!!

Profitez du moment présent, aimez vous et souriez!!

MCJ 2012

The truth is….

The truth is, the only time I felt the true depth of your love for me was in those 72 hrs we spent together celebrating my 27th birth day.

Prior to that, I read the words, heard them , they were pure music to my ears but I felt the distance, it was hard for me to break down your inner walls.

During that long week-end, you catered to my brain, my heart and soul. I was  buzzed thanks to your loving gestures and that look in your eyes made me want to fly so high in the sky.

Months after the magical effect dozed off and all I was left with were great memories to keep me warm at night. You were a satellite in our bed.

Meaning physically you were here but the rest of you, clearly gone. The spell was broken and you were once again shutting down on me, on us.

Something inside of you was holding you back.  Your heart was  locked with a new combination that I was unable to break this time around.

Feeling my despair, you tried to recreate the magic but in vain… I had already retrieved in my shell, protecting my heart.

One day you came home and I was gone, and left this note on the table:

Thank you for the magic while it lasted

I will forever lock those moments in my heart

We tried extending our season but it wasn’t meant to be

XOXO

©Marie-Christine Jeanty 24 novembre 2012

 

Les Monologues Voilés

Un écho aux Monologues du vagin

 

Du 6 au 15 décembre

Cinquième Salle

Douze monologues, douze portraits de femmes musulmanes, tantôt drôles, tantôt poétiques, tantôt poignants… et toujours émouvants. À travers l’intimité de ces femmes, un regard inédit, sans voyeurisme ni tabou.

Le plaisir, la jouissance, le mythe de la virginité, la tradition, les préceptes du Coran, la maternité, l’homosexualité, la circoncision, l’excision, le mariage forcé ou arrangé, le viol… autant de sujets traités avec délicatesse pour ouvrir un dialogue fructueux entre les cultures. Pour décrire leurs vies, l’auteur Adelheid Roosen a interviewé 74 femmes musulmanes de la première et de la deuxième génération, issues de l’immigration marocaine, algérienne, turque, égyptienne, somalienne, iranienne, irakienne de 17 à 85 ans.

Par la meilleure connaissance de l’autre tel qu’il est et non tel qu’il est fantasmé, la pièce Les Monologues voilés donne une représentation juste et nuancée des femmes musulmanes, de leur histoire, de leurs désirs, de leurs droits, de leurs luttes pour l’égalité et contre les discriminations, à la fois au sein de leur propre famille culturelle et vis-à-vis du regard occidental.

Les Monologues voilés, un spectacle vivant accompagné de chant et de musique porté par quatre comédiennes livrant des portraits à la fois tendres et poignants de femmes musulmanes.

Du 6 au 15 décembre 2012 à 20 h

 

I’m out

I’m out you said, when things get a little intense and the spotlight was all on you and your feelings that you could never express out loud or illustrate in actions.

I’m out, your quick exit out of discussing the real issues, it was too much to ask that you gave into a little sentimentality and indulge me? Do you take me so much for granted that you can’t even acknowledge my importance?

You used that line not to get in the depth of things, god knows you don’t do the loving thing. Emotions scare you away right?

Im out you said, To stay away from the roots of our relationship problems, and elaborate the accusations you’ve thrown out at me, You’re good at dropping a few earth shattering sentences, And when confronted, asked to back up these accusations

here comes that line again, I’m out! I hate arguments but no discussion is unhealthy. It brings uncertainty to the table

Your favorite line when you could not find anything better to say, where you lacked of arguments to undermine me and undermine my feelings for you. It is mentally exhausting to fight alone for the survival of a relationship. Love might be blind at times but eventually one’s eyes become wide open

That time has come for me so…

Now Take your time, look at me, really carefully and listen to these words carefully

I will not scream, I will not cry either, I’m just letting you know

I’M OUT!!!

p.s: business is business…

ELLE

Une profonde innocence se cachait derrière ce superbe sourire qu’elle arborait en permanence
Son cœur, elle le portait fièrement sur son épaule telle une écharpe du tout dernier cri

Romanesque, elle avait succombé trop rapidement parfois, aux feux ardents de l’amour
En ligne, cachés derrière un pseudo, des gens, des faux-amis le plus souvent l’avaient dénigrée et rabaissée

Secrètement, elle avait eu à panser ses plaies causées par des relations d’amour et d’amitié fracturées. Certaines blessures avaient laissé des cicatrices plus profondes, invisibles à l’œil nu.

Elle avait longtemps souffert en silence de ce mal de vivre qui l’habitait. Elle avait parfois même eu parfois l’impression de nager en plein désespoir.

Un jour, après plusieurs mois de repli sur elle-même, elle put de nouveau s’ouvrir au monde extérieur. Elle prit conscience de sa force intérieure. Elle réalisa qu’au fond la lumière qu’elle avait passée tant de temps à chercher ailleurs, jaillissait déjà en elle. Le nuage de négativité semblait finalement se dissiper.

Elle se sentait fin prête à prendre son envol. Plus optimiste et souriante que jamais, elle accueilli à bras ouvert la créativité et à l’innovation.

Il s’agissait pour elle de modeler, créer et vivre son histoire plutôt que se de laisser emporter la vague. Elle s’élèvera plutôt au dessus de cette masse se baignant en pleine médiocrité. Elle ne se laissera plus rabaisser.

À présent son seul et unique projet : Elle-même
©Marie-Christine Jeanty 25 mars 2012

The Charmer

We all encountered numerous men or women in our lives that I like to call "The Charmer". They fill a void, tell you what you want  and need to hear at the time. They make themselves available and useful. They also make sure that they leave you smiling and laughing. They become a habit. like I mentioned they are there to fill a void in our lives

For a long time, I thought S was a friend. Turns out he’s just a charmer, a temporary filler. I  never in a millions years thought I would go on a date with him. Yes, I always thought he was charming, tall, handsome with a killer smile and sexy lips.. but I always thought of him as a friend. My late night, insomniac buddy that I could communicate with at almost any time of the day. He always had the perfect way to distract me, make me smile and laugh.

He also knew how to stimulate my brain which is very important to me and on the other side he knew how to make me stop over thinking like I tend to do with my anxious nature. That is what a Charmer does best. He makes you emotionally dependent on him. Like I said to me, he was my charming buddy with whom I had very opened, honest conversations. I was involved and my relationship was falling apart. That in itself made me vulnerable and in need of attention.

A Charmer becomes extra dependable at times like this. I went on the date and he swept me off my feet. A charmer like challenges. After that moment, I was not a challenge anymore. He had me emotionally where he wanted. This is when I had to come back to earth. Since he’s not the first charmer I came across, I saw the signs a long time ago but yet still manage to fall temporarily under the spell.

Yes, I miss his smile, his lips but most of all I miss the presence, the habits. All day every day the random communications, the inside jokes on twitter. He filled a void. Now I need another way to fill that void. We tend to make the mistake of thinking we miss the person when it is rather the habit and the rituals that we actually miss.

I recently had a long talk with him about the turn of events. I thought we were on the same page. The charmer that he is, was on Skype, shirtless talking to me. Perfect set up isn’t it to sweet talk me into understanding and accepting the situation. I called him out on it and he smiled. Turns out, I was wrong, we are not on the same page and I need to fill the void else where. A Charmer tends to put their needs and feelings above yours always and or will simply ignore yours and sometimes not intentionally.  He knows you trust him and takes  you for granted. A Charmer will say the things we need to hear  and when you need it the most. So I insist, we  become dependent.

A Charmer is not  not necessarily a player. He  just lacks of a little emotional maturity. Often enough, in time he finds the right balance. In the meanwhile, be aware. Try to make the difference between a friend or lover and a temporary filler/charmer.

As far as S is concerned, he’s in Haiti, and I had just ended a difficult relationship, therefore I was not in a rush to start anything with him. Part of me is glad we only shared a kiss. I’m not even upset that he has a girlfriend now. I only wish he had more consideration for what I thought was a friendship. I realize now what I hope you all realize that at times we need to be our own fillers. We need to find ways to fill the void ourselves to make us less vulnerable to the Charmer kind.

S might come back knocking to my door. He knows already that it is always open. I do miss my Charmer.

No Harms done

No Harms done you said

You had just announced that your schedule would not allow you to see me again

This is where you were wrong, I sensed in the tone of your voice that you weren’t telling me everything

If you recalled, I asked you: is there something else you would like to tell me

You rapidly found a way to get off the phone because you knew I would get it out of you with time

No harms done because we did not spend the night together but that is just sex

The way you end up hurting our relationship is more profound than a night of physical bliss

 

No Harms done you said

I finally got you to admit that you were sort of seeing someone else

Sort of I replied? You laughed and said I’m not even sure what to call it yet but yes I’m seeing someone else

I wished you well but inside I just wanted to ask you why did you even bother asking me on a date?

Why did you swept me off my feet. kiss me….why did you reassure me. I started thinking back

About that night, maybe it is out of guilt that you ended our date so abruptly?

The intimacy we shared started way before we went on that date and you took it for granted apparently

 

No Harms done you said

When you told me that because of her jealousy you had to temporarily erase me from BBM

How old are we again? Did we go back to high school and I did not get the memo?

You had to know this was not going to go smoothly, I’m sweet but you made me go sour

After all those years makes me wonder if the friendship was only a figment of my overactive imagination

I wished you well when you told me the news about the relationship because I’m too old for useless drama

However this was over the top, who throws a friend under the bus for the newest chick on the block?

No Harms done you said

I strongly beg to differ, you may not see it now but once she is gone it will slap you in the face

Stare you in the face how you made the wrong choice by letting something brand new push aside an old friend

I think you already know this deep inside because you are avoiding me on social media

As you may have noticed, I said once she is gone because it does not take rocket science to know this won’t last

Not that I wish you harm or disappointment but over the years I’ve come to know you and realized a long time ago

That you’re not the kind we keep under a glass or mold into a prefabricated model

 

No Harms done you said

Yes and No I say. Some days I think out loud how dare he do this to me?

I feel dumb for allowing you to play with my mind like this

Others I thank you for showing your true colors and setting me free before it was too late

Clearly you’re not the one God saved for me and my grandma promised me

You filled a void, we were part of a clan but times change perhaps for the best

Thank you for setting me free to find my own destiny

 

I will state what you already know… Harm was done and it is all on you

You will come back knocking on my door… sweet talking as usual

Since I don’t hold grudges so I won’t slap it on your face

I won’t even have to tell you how you messed up and took me for granted

Your conscience already alerted you. Yes I know you have one after all

I’ll simply look at you, smile and laugh and say: Se fout bon pou ou!

 

©Marie-Christine Jeanty 14 mars 2012

Is it over?

As I came back into town, I ended my relationship. Oh boy, did I forget that telling your mate that it is over, only ends it in the surface.

No matter, how excited I may be about S, my heart is not exactly cleared of P.  In fact I have to admit it, I’m confused, I need a break from matters of the heart.

P and I have been communicating more openly then we have been for the past 3 months in the last 72hrs. He even apologized but does that make what he said or did any right? I think not. the heart definitely has its own reasons that the mind can’t understand nor figure out.

Parts of me would want  nothing more than to see him but the rest of me , reminds me that I made myself a priority,and thinks that going back with him would give him a free pass to step on my heart again!

I also wonders what message that would send in terms of respect. Not simple as I would want it to be. it is also a safe place right when you think about S and the uncertainties that come with that situation

A lot to think about. In the meanwhile, I do have a few events coming up that will give me the opportunity to mingle and perhaps meet other interesting prospects looool.

Trying too hard

I’m glad many of you are rooting for S (wink). I would be too if I were you loool. I’ve got to be honest, I feel like I’m trying way to hard when it comes to him. Before I get into that, when rereading my post about our date, I realized I left out some information post date.

The date was on a Saturday and I was leaving on Wednesday. That in theory left us time to see each other again. I say in theory because the truth is S is very dedicated to his work. In addition, his work brings him a lot out of the P-a-P area. I was secretly hoping to go to Flore di latte (is that the spelling lol?) in his company. Unfortunately that did not happen. Guess what though, on the Monday, when he got back to town (midday), he called me to know where I was so he could just pass by and at least say hi ( he had meetings that afternoon ugh).

I,of course, wanted to see him even for a few seconds (the thought of seeing that smile again). I had warning that I was having lunch with my parents and one of my aunts and that did not bother him one sec. In fact, i think I was more nervous than he was about it. This is when what I suspected from the start, was confirmed. Our fathers are from the same hometown . He had barely finished greeting us that my father bombarded with him questions to figure out who (in that big family was his father), I was mortified. He actually laughed and answered my father with humor and tact. It was already time for him to go to his meeting. When he left, the "granmoun" turned to me and said oh il est très sympathique ton ami, vraiment et bien élevé. That gesture granted him a good impression lool.

Now to go back to my feelings. As soon as he left, my over thinking process started. Was I too cold or distant, did I make it clear that i appreciate the gesture? He said, if he was up for it, after his meetings, he would pass by to see me at my aunt’s (his place is not even 10 min away by car). Even though i promised myself no unrealistic expectations and even though I totally understood that after waking up at 3 am to go ou of town, he was exhausted, I overreacted. I felt so guilty for doing so though and must have overapologized after loool.

He said we were good but I tend to be overly anxious about things. We spoke for a long time when I came back to Montreal. That along with all the tweets, bbm and Skype that followed brought a smile to my face. Yet in the back of my mind, I’m overwhelmed with doubts and insecurities.  I mean he’s in Haiti, he’s tall handsome, self-employed, with a  contagious smile and lips to die for ( I know I’ve got it bad) and I’m…. here. We went on one date, so has he with other women and I with other men.

I know for a fact , he told that he’s been on numerous with this one in particular. So there you have me, in Montreal, working her mind overtime and trying a little too hard to get the attention. I nearly thought like I was nagging (I probably was), I know his schedule is hectic and all but I still did smh at myself.

So I’ve decided to occupy myself a little more (with this school strike, too much time on my hands) and see, I’m also preparing myself mentally in case I get  back in the friend zone, because in the beginning we were indeed great friends.