The truth is….

The truth is, the only time I felt the true depth of your love for me was in those 72 hrs we spent together celebrating my 27th birth day.

Prior to that, I read the words, heard them , they were pure music to my ears but I felt the distance, it was hard for me to break down your inner walls.

During that long week-end, you catered to my brain, my heart and soul. I was  buzzed thanks to your loving gestures and that look in your eyes made me want to fly so high in the sky.

Months after the magical effect dozed off and all I was left with were great memories to keep me warm at night. You were a satellite in our bed.

Meaning physically you were here but the rest of you, clearly gone. The spell was broken and you were once again shutting down on me, on us.

Something inside of you was holding you back.  Your heart was  locked with a new combination that I was unable to break this time around.

Feeling my despair, you tried to recreate the magic but in vain… I had already retrieved in my shell, protecting my heart.

One day you came home and I was gone, and left this note on the table:

Thank you for the magic while it lasted

I will forever lock those moments in my heart

We tried extending our season but it wasn’t meant to be

XOXO

©Marie-Christine Jeanty 24 novembre 2012

 

FORWARD

I need to move forward

I have reached my limit

Status quo has overstated its welcome

I can’t no longer stall

My hopes and dreams await me

I believed in us and Fought for us

Sadly along the way you gave up

You shut down on me

I have to move forward

My eyes are all wide open

I’m staring at our reality

I’m too old to pretend

That I do not know

I do know the difference

Lust sure isn’t love

I Can’t waste any more time

 

I need to move forward

Thinking back I remember

We had daily trivial conversations

Words, only words and more words…

Boo, love, sweetie, babe, baby…

They were floating in the air

No Symbolic meaning attached

No small gesture to wrap them around

I have to move forward

I will keep reaching for the stars

I have so many dreams

I hoped to share with you

Mark my words they will come true

I dream hard, plan hard and work harder to achieve

I wish we could be climbing together

Instead you tried to keep me under

 

I am moving forward

I choose you in a sea of options

Now you’re using it as a  weapon

My bad decisions can’t be a justification

For your current mediocre behaviour

I never claimed to be perfect

I have taken  wrong turns

I keep my head high and move on

 

I go forward.. never backwards

 

©Marie-Christine Jeanty 23 novembre 2012

No Harms done

No Harms done you said

You had just announced that your schedule would not allow you to see me again

This is where you were wrong, I sensed in the tone of your voice that you weren’t telling me everything

If you recalled, I asked you: is there something else you would like to tell me

You rapidly found a way to get off the phone because you knew I would get it out of you with time

No harms done because we did not spend the night together but that is just sex

The way you end up hurting our relationship is more profound than a night of physical bliss

 

No Harms done you said

I finally got you to admit that you were sort of seeing someone else

Sort of I replied? You laughed and said I’m not even sure what to call it yet but yes I’m seeing someone else

I wished you well but inside I just wanted to ask you why did you even bother asking me on a date?

Why did you swept me off my feet. kiss me….why did you reassure me. I started thinking back

About that night, maybe it is out of guilt that you ended our date so abruptly?

The intimacy we shared started way before we went on that date and you took it for granted apparently

 

No Harms done you said

When you told me that because of her jealousy you had to temporarily erase me from BBM

How old are we again? Did we go back to high school and I did not get the memo?

You had to know this was not going to go smoothly, I’m sweet but you made me go sour

After all those years makes me wonder if the friendship was only a figment of my overactive imagination

I wished you well when you told me the news about the relationship because I’m too old for useless drama

However this was over the top, who throws a friend under the bus for the newest chick on the block?

No Harms done you said

I strongly beg to differ, you may not see it now but once she is gone it will slap you in the face

Stare you in the face how you made the wrong choice by letting something brand new push aside an old friend

I think you already know this deep inside because you are avoiding me on social media

As you may have noticed, I said once she is gone because it does not take rocket science to know this won’t last

Not that I wish you harm or disappointment but over the years I’ve come to know you and realized a long time ago

That you’re not the kind we keep under a glass or mold into a prefabricated model

 

No Harms done you said

Yes and No I say. Some days I think out loud how dare he do this to me?

I feel dumb for allowing you to play with my mind like this

Others I thank you for showing your true colors and setting me free before it was too late

Clearly you’re not the one God saved for me and my grandma promised me

You filled a void, we were part of a clan but times change perhaps for the best

Thank you for setting me free to find my own destiny

 

I will state what you already know… Harm was done and it is all on you

You will come back knocking on my door… sweet talking as usual

Since I don’t hold grudges so I won’t slap it on your face

I won’t even have to tell you how you messed up and took me for granted

Your conscience already alerted you. Yes I know you have one after all

I’ll simply look at you, smile and laugh and say: Se fout bon pou ou!

 

©Marie-Christine Jeanty 14 mars 2012

Dancing backward

One step forward, and so many backwards right after. This unusual dance never seems to end. I never imagined that dancing could be so painful. I open my eyes and realize that we are not  alone, far from it.

The dance floor is crowded by our mutual walls, assumptions and pre-conceived ideas. You have an idea of me and how I should be and even if I refused to admit it before, so do I, in reverse. Our conversations lost their significance and depth both in form and content.

Lines of communications are invaded with noise, creating distortion in every message sent out. Words are misinterpreted, not to say twisted and lose their true meaning.

We are both prisoners of our own mental cages. Victims of our paradigms, we refuse to open our minds to the possibility that the other might really be telling the truth. That the other might truly have something great to offer.

What would it take to let the other in and to take more steps forwards then backwards? It would be fun and exhilarating to plunge into this new adventure. This could be our reality but instead we choose playing game why oh why?

Why are we always looking for an ulterior motive, a hidden agenda?

©Marie-Christine Jeanty february 4th, 2012