Have you ever felt like…?

So many things happened in the last few days that were emotionally distressing. It’s not even funny. They were not  what I would call earth shattering things but still the the type that drains you emotionally.

The crab in me wanted to go hide under my shell for a few but instead I’ve decided to keep living my life even though it will most definitely not be the same now.

I mean, have you ever felt like someone you love and trust used you for their own selfish benefit?

Have you ever felt like the rug was taken from under you and you didn’t know where to stand anymore?

Have you ever felt like someone you love and trust has manipulated you and thrown you under the bus when they had a chance to hide their true faults?

Have you ever felt like you and your mate were finally in a good place and boom realize that maybe you weren’t after all?

Truth is  felt angry and sad at the same time and My shell looks so comfy, drama free but that is not a way to live is it?

Instead of hiding I started writing away and redye my hair… this won’t stop the wheel of life to turn but it will spin around my narrative. This is what my journey has been all about chasing away the negativity, even when I temporarily slip into it to quickly rise above it and turn the focus back on building a better me every day!

My randomness

Instead of postponing updating my blog, I’ve decided to string you readers along the randomness of my current thoughts.

It has been a year since I’ve started this blogging adventure and throughout the year, it was hard to be consistent in bringing in original content. I’m grateful for all of those who gave feedback, shared my pieces etc… it means the world. I have goals and plans for this blog  that I will share with all of you in the upcoming weeks. My mind is always going in so many different directions, it is exhilarating but also exhausting at times.

I’ve been feeling emotionally and physically drained, yes it’s november but in addition to that I’m feeling residual effects of that post-strike semester and I lack of motivation at time. On the bright note both at home and at school, I have a great support system. Sometimes I’ll be looking at my books and tell myself why I’m doing this again?And look up and see my son and his wonderful smile.

I feel something in the air… Montreal local scene is filled with talent. Look out for them, go out to small bars across town, it won’t cost you much but you will be filled with so many positive vibes. Music, poetry…. it is out there in the town we have a love and hate relationship with. Your soul will be grateful.You will feel energized again I guaranty you.

I was telling a friend that I feel like there is a lack of men in town and an overpopulation of boys and he said it’s everywhere…. WORD!!! I’m I the only one that is sometimes discouraged?

I also feel that there’s a lack of respect between humans,  in every type of relationship (work, school, conjugal, friendship etc…) It seems to me that we treat each other with such casualty and detachment. Basic civilities seem to be a rarity in our society. It is such a shame. A smile, yes only a smile can do wonders at the least expected time.

I’m starting to think about a list of things I want to do before I turn 30 in june 2013.  And speaking of turning 30, I’m thinking of ways of celebrating this. Feel free to make suggestions.

I’m an overthinker at times and I also get invested in so many things at times.. it is crazy and I loose track of myself in there from time to time…I just like to help others, to help others realize they are valuable to this world

Enough randomness for now

Ttyl

MCJ

Hiding in my shell

I have started writing this post and erased everything a few times. Sorry for the hiatus, I just have been unloading some emotional baggage to move forward.

Also the school strike and the uncertainty that comes with it caused as I mentioned before some anxiety. I took a leap of faith and applied for this position. I will not say more about this  career opportunity before I know the outcome. I did my part now I’m trusting God will do the rest

After over thinking about S, I had a period where he barely crossed my mind. I have come to terms with the fact that he has a girlfriend.  More importantly, I realized  that I missed the guy I had random Skype and bbm convos filled with laughter . Of course, I’m not as eager to talk to him as I once was. We managed to have honest conversations and cleared the air. awkwardness has left the building.

As far as P is concerned, it is far more complexed as feelings are involved. You know the book and  upcoming movie say "Think Like a Man, Act like a Lady" , I think a lot of modern women are Acting like a Man and Thinking like a Lady with their heart at their weakness and that includes me. We can lie to ourselves but in our hearts we know better. Pride was a barrier between us. Even though I find some of his reactions childish, I still find myself missing him at times.

There’s M, an ex lover from another life time. Circumstances made us cross paths. I’m not sure how and why we ended up revising our common past but we are. Many questions were left unanswered when we ended our relationship. Of course some are better left that way but we are doing our best to answer the essential ones. We are definitely not trying to rekindle any romance but we are making peace with our common past once and for all. Obviously, he’s been on my mind.

Finally mystery man, I’m not ready to say anything about him yet. I’m definitely curious, attracted and intrigued. However, I’m still coping with the breakup with P who is still very much in my heart.

I feel like vulnerability is flirting with me heavily so I’m doing what any old crab would do and hide in my shell

ELLE

Une profonde innocence se cachait derrière ce superbe sourire qu’elle arborait en permanence
Son cœur, elle le portait fièrement sur son épaule telle une écharpe du tout dernier cri

Romanesque, elle avait succombé trop rapidement parfois, aux feux ardents de l’amour
En ligne, cachés derrière un pseudo, des gens, des faux-amis le plus souvent l’avaient dénigrée et rabaissée

Secrètement, elle avait eu à panser ses plaies causées par des relations d’amour et d’amitié fracturées. Certaines blessures avaient laissé des cicatrices plus profondes, invisibles à l’œil nu.

Elle avait longtemps souffert en silence de ce mal de vivre qui l’habitait. Elle avait parfois même eu parfois l’impression de nager en plein désespoir.

Un jour, après plusieurs mois de repli sur elle-même, elle put de nouveau s’ouvrir au monde extérieur. Elle prit conscience de sa force intérieure. Elle réalisa qu’au fond la lumière qu’elle avait passée tant de temps à chercher ailleurs, jaillissait déjà en elle. Le nuage de négativité semblait finalement se dissiper.

Elle se sentait fin prête à prendre son envol. Plus optimiste et souriante que jamais, elle accueilli à bras ouvert la créativité et à l’innovation.

Il s’agissait pour elle de modeler, créer et vivre son histoire plutôt que se de laisser emporter la vague. Elle s’élèvera plutôt au dessus de cette masse se baignant en pleine médiocrité. Elle ne se laissera plus rabaisser.

À présent son seul et unique projet : Elle-même
©Marie-Christine Jeanty 25 mars 2012

Tainted…

Love is pure, relationships can be tainted. She definitely had loaded baskets of love to share

He probably was not ready to receive it, his heart  had sunked im the negativity sea;

A cocktail of anger, sorrow with a dose of insecurity with a twist of jealousy.

Eventually she realized that her dream could never come to life with this man by her side

It was a hard reality to face, from every angle, it became clearer, he was not it.

He was not the facilitator, the one that would help her blossom to her true potential.

Instead, that relationship was draining her body out of that positive energy of hers.while past insecurities were resurfacing, he was playing with her mind

He tortured her with his words, poisoning her soul, a little more every day.

She refused to believe it had first, how could he be so distant and calculated?

He always claimed to be a pragmatic man, the cold-hearted truth is that he is a cruel man PERIOD!

©Marie-Christine Jeanty 21 février 2012

I don’t play the loving game

If only I could read your mind instead of trying to read between the lines

I don’t want to not play the guessing game; I’m tired of filling in the blanks

Your silences can only tell me so much, I can’t stand this anymore

I miss our conversations; these monologues are tearing us apart.

Talk to me, Stop keeping it all bottled up inside, please tell me the whole story

Your little bombs only leave us with more scars and accentuate the distance

Have a little faith in me; doubting me will only make me run away

Insecurity is not the newest «got to have it» accessory, more like a repellent

You hide behind that half-smile and rationality. No love in your vocabulary?

I suppose your actions are your way of expressing your attachment to me

Pragmatic men don’t show any emotions and «don’t catch feelings» right?

Probably why you walked away when I asked for a little affection

©Marie-Christine Jeanty, January 4th, 2012

Love is what I feel

Image via Wikipedia

I’ve never realized until Today

How much I was filled with love for you

I professed almost every day to you

How much I care for you

Would never admit to myself

All this time this overwhelming feeling

Blossoming inside of me was Love

Love reserved especially for you

Now it might be too late

I may never get the chance to tell you

The lines of communication are broken

You walked away hopefully temporarily

I desperately tried to contact you

When I came to this unique realization

You probably think that I’m delusional

Overly emotional to even think

That Love is what I truly feel for you.

©Marie-Christine January 4th, 2012

SHELOVE

Quotes from a series of poems/prose/short story I wrote. To this day, I’ve written 5 complete parts and have enough uncompleted material for 5 more.

SHE could be anyone…

Some young women seem so fragile and naive. Many of them truely are and trust so easily, love so completely, way too fast.

«Beautiful young lady, 
Distinctive kind of beauty 
Such innocence in that smile 
Soft voice,reflection of her kindness 

A little on the naive side 
So much love to share 
So many dreams 
Big Heart on her sleeve »

Most women have a strong belief in humanity. They want to see the best in people, even make excuses for some.

They love so deeply, so unconditionally

«She desperately
Needed to believe in him
shut down her instincts
Lied to herself

Vulnerable and confused
She refused to see
To acknowledge
The truth staring at her »

Instinct, something we should trust and follow more often. Instead we shut it down, turn a blind eye and/or a def ear and lie to ourselves. All in the name of LOVE

 [...] She, Felt alone,Unappreciated,Taken for granted

Unimportant. Until,He Came out,

Of the shadows,He loves so much.

And put her real High on a pedestal »

All we want is to be loved. All we want is to feel appreciated,inspired is that too much to ask for?

«He, Inspired her

To write more

To express her feelings

With freedom and passion

Through her art

 She,Was living a dream [...] 

 

©MCJ 2011