From superficial conversations we quickly shifted to more intimate details of our personal lives. We were on that let’s get acquainted with each other phase.
I’m not sure if it was the distance but we did kip a few steps of that phase, perhaps one too many. We jumped into the t let me get to know your body’s geography phase (sic)
Circumstances shortened the time we had originally planned to spend together. Syllables were still flowing, words were thrown around each other but the subject was only partially explored. A future more in-depth meeting was immediately planned,
Nevertheless, that night was magical and memorable. I had Jet Lag just like in Joss Stone‘ song without even leaving the ground.
I was on high on our vibe up until I felt like you were downplaying the emotional connection we were building. Everyone knows, I’m the type of girl who will follow a man’s lead. i.e If you ain’t taking me seriously, why should I?
Lines were crossed, filled with guilt, I’ve confessed… you found so many way to torture me , playing with my guilt to emotionally abuse me… Time after Time!
You started juggling with my feelings : one day selling a dream of a great future, another throwing in accusations; one day declaring your love for me, another doubting my love for you and the vicious cycle went on.
As we were planning a special week-end getaway, my level of mental exhaustion had hit the roof. My strong survival sense led me to cancel abruptly on you. For a change, I was not the one receiving the silent treatment.
Although, I had enough of this never-ending roller coaster, I had a hard time accepting that this might be the last stop for us. That too much had happened. I’m convinced that you had sensed that in the tone of my voice when I decided to not to join you.
Of course, as the great master manipulator that you are, you were all repentant. We spent hours talking and chatting. Many tears were shed on my part. That day, you said all the things I had hoped you would say to me one day. Every word, I had prayed that one day you would finally say to me.
We sort of started a honeymoon phase. Voice notes, personalized greetings and a few magical hours. At that moment, I could not have imagined that they would be our last live moments together. Each of our notebooks were filled with brand new expressions, figments of our vivid imagination.
As I closed my eyes at night, I pictured an illustration for each new expression. My soul was smiling and my heart was happy. My mind in the other hand was trying to warn my other elements…
Rapidly we went back to the I’m guided by my insecurities phase. At first, each shot taken hit me very hard. Indifference became part of the equation. Since my heart was not ready to face the truth, I had decided to try to reconnect with you.
The first attempts were received with skepticism. After it became cynicism, to transform into cruelty. Driven by your insecurities, your actions reached new low levels. Every day that passed, the more convinced I became that I had to run the other way.
My heart would not let me, it had bribed my mind into making excuses for your disrespectful, manipulative behavior. In the meanwhile, part of my soul was dying.
I catered to your every feeling. One day, you hit a wall. You said the wrong words and put on a switch you will live to regret.
I was devoted to you, ready to commit to a life with you and make drastic changes to my life to accommodate yours.
Instead you’ve chosen to step on my heart, ignore my feelings one too many times. Yes I’m too nice and tolerant to an extreme but even I have a limit and you’ve reached it.
Next morning, I pressed the word sent and have yet to look back, Once I’m done, I’m done. Nothing you will do or say at this point will reverse the process. You’ve turn the I don’t give a F*** switch on.
So as you watch me walk elegantly away, keep in my mind, you can keep looking but I’ll never turn my head back again in your direction.
©MCJ June 8th, 2013