Fanm Vanyan, je suis

I smile even when I stumble, fall or have doubts because life taught me that in the end, everything works itself out.

Je souris même lorsque la vie n’est pas si rose, car je refuse de sacrifier mon énergie pour nourrir la négativité.

I smile because I am grateful for every victories no matter how small. I refuse to be a still person.

Je souris enveloppée par la gratitude. Je remercie mes parents de m’avoir démontré que le chemin c’est à moi de le créer et non pas à la société de me l’imposer.

I smile because I speak and live my truth every day of my live.

Je souris, car j’ai finalement appris à ne plus accepter que l’on tente de délégitimer mes sentiments.

I smile because every day of my life, I try to be a better version of myself than then on the previous day.

Je souris car je m’accepte tel que je suis, un peu plus chaque jour de ma vie tout en essayant de faire mieux, jour après jour.

Fanm Vanyan, je suis et je resterai
©Marie-Christine Jeanty 10 mars 2020

Crédit Photo : ©Cid Merisier

More about Vues Sur Rika

Lorsque j’ai créé ce blogue, il y a maintenant 5 ans, mes idées étaient un peu éparpillées. Je ne savais pas exactement où cette aventure allait me mener. Je venais de quitter la radio, j’allais retourner sur les bancs d’école. Je voulais continuer à partager mes découvertes et mes passions avec les autres. Aussi avec les encouragements d’amis écrivains, je cherchais une plate-forme afin de partager mes textes…

When I created this blog nearly fives years ago, my thoughts were scattered. I had no idea where this venture would bring me. I had just stopped covering the cultural beat on the radio and I was about to go back to school. I just knew that I wanted to stay connected with people to be able to keep on sharing and pushed by friends that happened to be writers, I was looking for a way to share my writing…

My posts did not have any clear direction and included cultural agendas, original poetry pieces, random thoughts and even an interview with Grammy award winner, the music producer Steve Pageot. Le sujet de mes billets étaient éparpillés: agenda culturel, pièces originales de poésie, humeur et une interview avec le producteur Steve Pageot (gagnant d’un Grammy). 

Aujourd’hui, j’ai une vision beaucoup plus claire. Je veux continuer à partager mes découvertes culturelles, tout en maintenant une place pour mes humeurs et mes nouveaux poèmes et une éventuellement une section pour les entrevues. Mes textes qui ont le plus touché mes lecteurs sont souvent ceux que j’ai écrit un peu sur un coup de tête sans trop d’analyse. De plus, l’image de marque ainsi que la notoriété du blogue sont les tâches sur lesquelles je m’attellerai à moyen terme.

I have a clearer vision of the direction of where I want to take this blog. I will continue to share my new discoveries while still giving lots of space to my random thoughts and original poetry places. I came to realize that the pieces that touched people the most were the ones that I wrote on impulse without editing or censoring.  Eventually, I will add a special section for interviews.  For the next 2 years, my main focus is the blog’s branding and traffic.

 

Thank you for reading and sharing my posts/Merci de continuer à me lire et de partager mes billets

 

MCJ 6 janvier 2016

Elle n’est plus une enfant

Elle n’est plus une adolescente, elle n’est plus cette jeune femme enfant, c’est une femme tout court. Une femme avec toute la complexité et les courbes qui viennent avec… Elle n’est plus cette jeune fille, cette femme enfant en quête d’un je ne sais trop quoi qui se laissait emporter par la vague…par le vent.

Elle n’est plus cet enfant en quête d’acceptation et de reconnaissance, en fait plus à tout prix. Elle n’est plus cette jeune femme qui désespérément cherchait à donner un sens à sa vie lorsque tu l’as rencontré jadis. À cette époque, elle croyait que tu étais l’homme de sa vie. Une partie d’elle le croit encore même si elle sait pertinemment que vous n’auriez jamais pu vivre ensemble.

À l’époque, tu ne la croyais pas prête pour une vie plus rangée.  Elle t’en a d’abord  voulu, elle a fini par s’en vouloir de ne pas avoir été à la hauteur.  Rien n’a vraiment changé en toute honnêteté. Tu réussis toujours ou enfin presque à la faire craquer, ne serait-ce qu’intérieurement. Je dis intérieurement car si ce n’était d’elle, tu ne sauras jamais ce qu’elle ressent vraiment. Pourtant, elle a fini par accepter que jusqu’à ce jour aucun autre homme ne la connaisse aussi bien que toi et ce même dans son silence. Ce qu’elle a plus de mal à accepter est le fait que de temps à autre, elle se laisse emporter par la passion qui vous unit depuis bientôt 7 ans.

Elle oscille entre une variété d’émotions et d’envie lorsqu’il s’agit de toi. Pour elle tu es à la fois envie immédiate, plaisir coupable, oasis de bonheur et celui qu’il luit faut oublier. Elle aimerait effectivement parfois pouvoir s’éloigner mais les circonstances vous rapprochent encore et encore. Vos liens avec le temps se sont renforcés et ça aussi elle a dû se l’avouer. Tu as été d’un soutien indéfectible et d’une écoute sans jugement. C’est étrange comment le courant a toujours passé entre  vous. Il suffit d’un échange furtif du regard et tu as tout compris. La chimie est instantanée. Tu la connais presque mieux qu’elle se connaît elle- même. C’est une autre chose qu’elle a dû s’avouer avec  le temps.

Après un de vos moments d’extase partagée, elle se retrouve toujours seule avec ses réflexions, seule face à ses regrets. Chaque fois, tu la quitte pour rentrer chez toi, elle pense à cet acte manqué, votre histoire qui n’avait jamais tout à fait débuté il y a sept ans et qui jusqu’à aujourd’hui n’est pas pour autant terminée. Tu la feras probablement toujours craquer avec ton élégance décontractée, avec ton sourire et que dire de ta voix…. Elle aurait aimé être à ce moment là cette femme là avec qui depuis, tu as construit ta vie. Ce qu’elle souhaite le plus ardemment est que tu cesses de la regarder tel qu’elle était hier mais que tu la regardes enfin comme elle est aujourd’hui.

Elle souhaite au plus profond d’elle même que tu mettes au rancart cette tendresse quasi paternelle et qui l’espace d’un instant brise le charme. Elle n’est plus une enfant, ouvre tes yeux.

Elle n’est plus une enfant… regarde… c’est une FEMME!

Marie-Christine Jeanty-12 juin 2014

Relationship by correspondence

I felt so empty inside. I was sitting in my room, numb, convinced I had reached the darkest of tunnels.

I opened my computer and started surfing the net hoping to find a distraction. I had no idea that this day, my life was about to change forever.

In my inbox, I found a message sent from a very handsome stranger. I say stranger, you were what we can call a virtual acquaintance. The content of the email was very brief yet intriguing enough for me to respond. I figured that I had nothing more to lose at this point.

The short and sweet emails eventually became long late night and early morning phone calls. Those calls were immediately followed by online lyrical exchanges that I will forever cherish in my heart.

I had become your muse. With your words you had brought back my smile and light up the fire within me. This is when I felt compelled to grab my pen again. I could not let such  poetic correspondence unanswered.

This is when our epistolary affair began. We had swapped parchment for yahoo mail but the content was filled with metaphors and images that still make me blush up until this day.

Your ability to play with language using rhythm, rhymes and evocative vocabulary never ceased to amaze me and challenged me to become a better writer.

Through your words I was feeling alive again. More importantly, I felt like a woman again, not an object. I was desired again not simply used.

Months passed by and our daily correspondence went on until we finally met in the flesh for some of the most magical moments of my adult life.

So much passion mixed with sensuality dominated our virtual and real life interactions. My senses were more than simply awaken they were aroused literally.

I was one broken soul, scared to commit and to open her heart. I ready to run from you, from us… Even that inspired a piece from you where running from transformed into running towards a goal. You’ve always managed to envision my future with such positivity.

I was someone else’s daily inspiration and I so desperately wanted to see myself the same way you did… it is only now 7 years later that I’m finally able too.

Life turmoil eventually kept us apart nearly permanently. Circumstances brought us together again… well virtually. It has been 4 years since I have  felt your piercing eyes on me. Four years, yet it feels like it was just yesterday that our saliva were mixing ; that the tip of our tongues were dancing hmm such wonderful vivid memories.

No one knows what life has   in store for us. I simply like to  find comfort in the fact that late at night or early in the morning if I have too much on my mind, I can count on you to put the smile back on my face….

I’m blessed to still have you in my life to remind me of how I’m destined for greatness and not to let myself get sidetracked by mediocre bitter people on this journey.

©Marie-Christine Jeanty June, 11th, 2013

The too nice syndrome…

On a cold winter day , our story began. What was a  series of random BBM sessions eventually led to daily late night phone calls and early mornings voice messages.

From superficial conversations we quickly shifted to more intimate details of our personal lives. We were on that let’s get acquainted with each other phase.

I’m not sure if it was the distance but we did kip a few steps of that phase, perhaps one too many. We jumped into the t let me get to know your body’s geography phase (sic)

Circumstances shortened the time we had originally planned to spend together. Syllables were still flowing, words were thrown around each other but the subject was only partially explored. A future more in-depth meeting was immediately planned,

Nevertheless, that night was magical and memorable. I had Jet Lag just like in Joss Stone‘ song without even leaving the ground.

I was on high on our vibe up until I felt like you were downplaying the emotional connection we were building. Everyone knows, I’m the type of girl who will follow a man’s lead. i.e If you ain’t taking me seriously, why should I?

So rapidly, I kept my feelings for you on the DL and started enjoying my summer in the City light-hearted, wings on my back.

Lines were crossed, filled with guilt, I’ve confessed… you found so many way to torture me , playing with my guilt to emotionally abuse me… Time after Time!

You started juggling with my feelings : one day selling a dream of a great future, another throwing in accusations; one day declaring your love for me, another doubting my love for you and the vicious cycle went on.

As we were planning a special week-end getaway, my level of mental exhaustion had hit the roof. My strong survival sense led me to cancel abruptly on you. For a change, I was not the one receiving the silent treatment.

Although, I had enough of this never-ending roller coaster, I had a hard time accepting that this might be the last stop for us. That too much had happened. I’m convinced that you had sensed that in the tone of my voice when I decided to not to join you.

Of course, as the great master manipulator that you are, you were all repentant. We spent hours talking and chatting. Many tears were shed on my part. That day, you said all the things I had hoped you would say to me one day. Every word, I had prayed that one day you would finally say to me.

We sort of started a honeymoon phase. Voice notes, personalized greetings and a few magical hours. At that moment, I could not have imagined that they would be our last live moments together. Each of our notebooks were filled with brand new expressions, figments of our vivid imagination.

As I closed my eyes at night, I pictured an illustration for each new expression. My soul was smiling and my heart was happy. My mind in the other hand was trying to warn my other elements…

Rapidly we went back to the I’m guided by my insecurities phase. At first, each shot taken hit me very hard. Indifference became part of the equation. Since my heart was not ready to face the truth, I had decided to try to reconnect with you.

The first attempts were received with skepticism. After it became cynicism, to transform into cruelty. Driven by your insecurities, your actions reached new low levels. Every day that passed, the more convinced I became that I had to run the other way.

My heart would not let me, it had bribed my mind into making excuses for your disrespectful, manipulative behavior. In the meanwhile, part of my soul was dying.

I catered to your every feeling. One day, you hit a wall. You said the wrong words and put on a switch you will live to regret.

I was devoted to you, ready to commit to a life with you and make drastic changes to my life to accommodate yours.

Instead you’ve chosen to step on my heart, ignore my feelings one too many times. Yes I’m too nice and tolerant to an extreme but even I have a limit and you’ve reached it.

Next morning, I pressed the word sent and have yet to look back, Once I’m done, I’m done. Nothing you will do or say at this point will reverse the process. You’ve turn the  I don’t give a F*** switch on.

So as you watch me walk elegantly away, keep in my mind, you can keep looking but I’ll never turn my head back again in your direction.

©MCJ June 8th, 2013

The Girl in the Mirror and I

The girl in the mirror and I

Had a talk last night

I had to set her straight

You walked so many miles

Fell in so many traps before

You finally find the road

Your road where you realize

That the light you’ve so desperately

Tried to find in others was

In reality within you

You’ve flown away from negativity

To elevate yourself and rise above

Those trying to bring you down

With them in their ocean of misery

So you could reach another level

Where mediocrity is not welcome

Don’t jump in the middle?

It’s their drama, not your concern

Let them swim and try to reach the border

You’re already there. Keep walking

Keep flying towards your dreams

They will figure out their future

Don’t let them hold you back

Don’t hold yourself back

You’re a Queen and you’ve reached

Your final destination

Enjoy it!

The truth is….

The truth is, the only time I felt the true depth of your love for me was in those 72 hrs we spent together celebrating my 27th birth day.

Prior to that, I read the words, heard them , they were pure music to my ears but I felt the distance, it was hard for me to break down your inner walls.

During that long week-end, you catered to my brain, my heart and soul. I was  buzzed thanks to your loving gestures and that look in your eyes made me want to fly so high in the sky.

Months after the magical effect dozed off and all I was left with were great memories to keep me warm at night. You were a satellite in our bed.

Meaning physically you were here but the rest of you, clearly gone. The spell was broken and you were once again shutting down on me, on us.

Something inside of you was holding you back.  Your heart was  locked with a new combination that I was unable to break this time around.

Feeling my despair, you tried to recreate the magic but in vain… I had already retrieved in my shell, protecting my heart.

One day you came home and I was gone, and left this note on the table:

Thank you for the magic while it lasted

I will forever lock those moments in my heart

We tried extending our season but it wasn’t meant to be

XOXO

©Marie-Christine Jeanty 24 novembre 2012

 

I’m out

I’m out you said, when things get a little intense and the spotlight was all on you and your feelings that you could never express out loud or illustrate in actions.

I’m out, your quick exit out of discussing the real issues, it was too much to ask that you gave into a little sentimentality and indulge me? Do you take me so much for granted that you can’t even acknowledge my importance?

You used that line not to get in the depth of things, god knows you don’t do the loving thing. Emotions scare you away right?

Im out you said, To stay away from the roots of our relationship problems, and elaborate the accusations you’ve thrown out at me, You’re good at dropping a few earth shattering sentences, And when confronted, asked to back up these accusations

here comes that line again, I’m out! I hate arguments but no discussion is unhealthy. It brings uncertainty to the table

Your favorite line when you could not find anything better to say, where you lacked of arguments to undermine me and undermine my feelings for you. It is mentally exhausting to fight alone for the survival of a relationship. Love might be blind at times but eventually one’s eyes become wide open

That time has come for me so…

Now Take your time, look at me, really carefully and listen to these words carefully

I will not scream, I will not cry either, I’m just letting you know

I’M OUT!!!

p.s: business is business…

This is just poetry

I’m told I give you too much importance. Too much of my recent writing is tainted because of our encounters.  Maybe they are right. All I know is that it easy for them to say. They can give advice, listen but in the end they are not me. They are not in my head, they do not know what my heart feels.  How dare they try to dictate my actions?

While all of you are busy scrutinizing my every moves and thoughts, my mind is beating my poor heart up. instead of bringing it on the right path, my mind  is torturing my heart by playing over and over the soundtrack if its recent failure.

My mind does feel duped by my heart once again. Now it is also in pain. Ideas, thoughts mixed with emotions what a wonderful new cocktail just in time for spring.

They think I give you too much importance, they do not understand I’ m simply trying to free my head and my heart of this excruciating pain you’ve caused me. My head is about to explode and my heart is heavier than ever.

I’m liberating myself the way i can  . Writing is a catalyst. My imagination is my oasis. Words aligned express my darkest thoughts. Sentences are metaphors of my existence not mirrors.

They say they love me but why can’t they let me be? They seem to have forgotten that after all, this is just poetry

©Marie-Christine Jeanty 19 Mars 2012

I’m sorry

I’m sorry you, you said.

I’m not sure I grasp the reasoning behind this apology

I for one, I’m definitely not sorry we shared this mental intimacy

If you must know, regrets do not rhyme with my name.

Our friendship unexpectedly grew for a short season

Life has funny ways of working out and changing our direction

God blessed me tremendously by bringing you into my life

No matter what form that presence takes, I will cherish it greatly.

I’m not very good at expressing my feelings out loud

And I’m not sure words would fully express my gratitude

I simply hope, I was able to provide you enough solicitude

Our mutual, yet virtual space was my personal oasis

 

I’m sorry, you said

I’m lost and do not follow the logic behind this apology

What do we have to be sorry about exactly, please enlight me

I choose to save the great moments we shared locked in my mind

I think about those random voice notes, the late night Skype convo,

Along with the delayed bbm messages, they are on my inner hardrive

At night, when I lay in bed or when I feel confused, I simply close my eyes.

And I’m dazzled by what I see, it is our first date

Perhaps only date, here you are with that gorgeous smile

It is just contagious and I open my eyes and find myself smiling along

I even laugh out loud sometimes and others I’m hit with this feeling

The feeling of wellness that came over me after we finally kissed

I would not erase those kisses from my memory for anything,

Quit saying I’m sorry already,

relationship evolve continuously,

Don’t be sorry simply save the memories preciously.

©Marie-Christine Jeanty 3 mars 2012